For me it’s a big rack of pork ribs smothered in bbq sauce with a side of fries and a salad to keep my guilt in check, washed down with a large chocolate thick shake. Or for the occasion when I’m home alone binging on ‘sex and the city’ re-runs, it’s a whole block of chocolate with multiple cups of herbal tea or a bottle of wine, depending on my mood.

I have found that combination to be a winner over the years however, there came a time when the refills where no longer satisfying, no amount of ‘supersize me’ did the job and
I found myself left with the continual feeling of running on empty with no clue of how to stay full. It became more comforting to scoff the whole block of chocolate that would send my endorphins on the ride of their life.

But, what always followed, was me plummeting to the ground in an emotional heap with nowhere to go but self-loathing, accompanied by a week of dragging my sorry ass out of bed at sparrows fart to go to the gym, hoping to work off the calories, hating myself the whole time. Followed by more self-loathing in the mirror while comparing myself to the other women, wishing I had their body, their hair, their ass, their legs and their annoying self-confidence… just so I didn’t have to be me right now.
Regardless, I would continue on this vicious cycle leading me back to another block of chocolate accompanied by another round of re-runs, followed by another week of
self-loathing and early mornings at the gym because there was no other choice.

Sound familiar?

WTF?

I believed that this was normal. Everybody does it. It’s normal routine, so it must be normal…right? Absolutely NOT! Over the last few of years, I’ve realised it’s so far from normal and in actual fact, it’s delusional.

I knew I was right about one thing, which was ‘I wasn’t filled up’ and for me this always translated into ‘I’m not enough’, I’m not pretty enough’, ‘I’m not good enough’…I sound like a broken record. So, the obvious behaviour was to fill myself up with whatever I could and along with the chocolate, ribs, thick-shakes, alcohol, it was also clothes, bags, shoes, an expensive car, more clothes, more bags, more shoes, boyfriends…short-term…long-term…whatever terms and on and on we go.

All of this behaviour led me to believe that it would somehow make me feel whole, complete and perfect…blah blah blah…until I had the reality check. Nothing completes me but ME, nothing completes you but YOU.
Whatever Jerry McGuire said…it was a whole lot of bullshit.

What I now believe to be true is, if you are looking for things or people to fill you up, it will only leave you with the yearning of something missing.
Sounds so obvious…right? But when you’re in it, you can’t see the wood for the trees and that was me.

Once I realised I wasn’t getting full, I decided that it was time to face my biggest fear and my biggest challenge. Being alone. Now, when I say being alone, I don’t mean living alone, going to the movies alone, shopping alone, eating out alone, having me time.
I mean spending the rest of my life on my own, no boyfriend, no husband, no children…ALONE.

This led me to spending time with me, just me, all on my own, all by myself in order to find what it was that filled me up, lit me up, what I was grateful for and concur my fear.

Call it soul searching, following destiny, going on a journey…call it whatever you will.
For me, I just had to STOP, BE and LISTEN to my intuition. I had to stop all the noise, the self-criticism and judgement that was clouding my head in order to hear myself.

I started to do things that felt good for my mind, my body and my soul. Sometimes it was spending quality time with friends and with family. Other times it was yoga, meditation or just walking by the ocean. It sounds so clichéd but whatever bought me closer to nature and gratitude, were the things that made the difference.

I travelled overseas during this time. A couple of times to Bali with girlfriends, to Uganda on a missionary trip semi-solo and to Israel and Jordan, where for the first time I found myself able to be at peace and experience the feeling of freedom like I’d never imagined.

My most profound experience being my first night staying in the Jordanian desert at a Bedouin camp. I felt scared, a little anxious and excited all at the same time.
After dinner with four women travellers from South America and our two Bedouin male hosts, I stepped outside our tent alone and into the darkness and the freshest air.
I’m not sure what called me into the darkness, but once I was out there, my intuition told me to just walk and as I did I realise I was surrounded by everything and by nothing.
I looked up to see a sky filled with thousands and thousands of glittering, sparkling stars. I was in complete ore and felt nothing but gratitude for the journey that had bought me to this very moment.
As I stood there with my feet connecting into the energy of the earth, surrounded by darkness, under the starry starry sky I began to feel a peaceful energy gently hug me and slowly ‘fill me up’ and I remember feeling so full of warmth and gratitude that I felt at ONE with ALL.
I felt so significant, yet so insignificant while I stood there being witnessed by the whole universe. I remember thinking that if my life where to end right now, it would actually be perfect, I have no regrets, I’m ‘filled up’ with gratitude and feel so much love and contentment and I feel safe. A feeling that I wanted to hang on to forever.

I’m not sure what exactly happened that night but it was magical and definitely one of my most profound and what I call spiritual moments, of my existence. After that experience, I have never felt fearful of being alone since and now understand from depths of my soul that we are never alone.

So, what’s the point to all of this and what am I trying to say?

I’m not saying that you need to travel to Jordan to find what ‘fills you up’ and I’m not saying that your fear is being alone, that was my journey and my fear.

My point is, if you are finding yourself on an endless search to nowhere and trying to fill yourself up along the way with things that don’t matter…STOP, BE and LISTEN to YOU.

Stop and give yourself time. Be present. Listen to what YOU want and need.

We waste too much time and energy trying to meet the needs and expectations of others…it’s no wonder we are left feeling empty.

And, I’m not saying that life is easy now that I’ve found what ‘fills me up’, it isn’t and it hasn’t been and that’s ok. However, I have found that I am happy and content more times than I’m not and when I am in a struggle and life feels tough I am able to retreat back to my grounding, back to the foundation that fills me and gives me the strength to face what’s ahead.

You see when you are full from the inside out, it gives you the opportunity to be strong for yourself and provide strength for others. Your family, your community, your people, your tribe…now isn’t that the point?

So, I invite you to have a look and find out what is it that fills you up. Step out of your comfort zone, dare to be with yourself and explore who you are, dare to be you…just you, with no apology and on the way, be kind to yourself and create a path for others to do the same.
This doesn’t mean, quit your job, your relationship, get a divorce or move to the other side of the world. It is an invitation to have a look at where in your life you are unfulfilled, BE okay with where you are at and seek the courage from within to make a change, explore and expand yourself and embrace the challenges on the way, that’s where we grow.

It is time. Give yourself the chance to BE YOU and Be YOUR version of Happy, remembering that happiness is an inside job.

Until next time…BE YOUR HAPPY!

With love and gratitude